according to beans: part 1

It's just that this post needs no explanation.

On health benefits:
Today, I'm putting you on my benefits. Because you are a jobless hobo.

On music:
Why does anyone care about Adele? Mariah Carey had this music thing on lock like 15 years earlier.

On religion:
Dear Ryan, happy housewarming! Have 2 cankers. -God.

On relationships:
I wouldn’t call us super weird.  Although I bet we talk about poops more than the average couple.

On the National Guard:
Why do we pay those hairy weirdos to walk up and down Elgin street everyday? I’m sick of it.

On yearly check-ups:
The man roots around in your lady business all day, if he’s not going to buy you dinner the least he could do is swing you a First Response or something.

On Bob Carlisle:
Remind me not to listen to Butterfly Kisses at work. If someone sees me tearing up over a balance sheet they may think I’m completely insane.

On insects:
There aren't very many bugs out right now. Oh, it's Winter.

On the Shopping Channel:
If unwanted hair on your bikini line is getting in the way of your wardrobe, girl...bring it back.

On tax returns:
This dude’s name is Alastair Champion.
When the demons rise from hell to consume the world and God has forgotten us, this man will be our leader, of this I am certain. 

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